When the groceries are heavier than the baby

I took the little muchkin into the city with me this morning to go to Whole Foods. Get some coconut milk yogurt, fruit, veggies, frozen blueberries, other stuff, and a calcium supplement her doctor told me was at that store.

The trains weren't cooperating very well, and it took an hour to get there -- and then the same home.

She wasn't very happy about it, but was mostly content to be in the baby carrier and suck on her chupon.

The groceries, two bags, were easily heavier than she was. So there's her in the Ergo, her diaper bag on one shoulder, one grocery bag on the other shoulder, one bag in my hand. Awesome.

It was nice that some people gave up their seat so we could sit down. Carolina fell asleep in the carrier before we got out of Manhattan. Gratefully, she stayed asleep when we got home and I put her in her crib. Unfortunately it was very early, but what can I do? I'm just glad she is sleeping.

Poor thing is still suffering with congestion in her nose and waking up at night, crying out, probably because she can't breathe. She stops before I even wake up enough to stand up, so I don't go in her room in case I would just wake her more.

Anyway, at this age, I'm still glad she's on the small side. Doing this shopping with the stroller would be absolutely impossible. Stairs up and down the subway and into our building -- impossible.

Stroller nap training, week 2

Yeah... not so much. She screamed/cried on-off (mostly on) from about 2.15 until we got home at 3.30pm

It was nice to see people but when she's not feeling well, like today because her mouth hurts her, she's a total PITA. And you know what? I know it's not her fault. I understand completely that she wanted to be at home in her bed, where it's quiet and soft. I know Manhattan isn't that place. But, dammit, *I* wanted to go out. I realize that's immensely selfish and as "punishment" she cried, I was completely embarrassed and frustrated, and we came home early.

I feel like such an asshole even thinking this way, but it's how I feel about it.

I left the apartment today with Carolina, loaded up with her favorite snacks, a bottle of water, diapers, change of clothes, blanket, blanket to cover the stroller to help with the nap, 3 toys, sweater, jacket. I was set. It was too warm for all those clothes and she didn't want to eat much, her gums/teeth were bothering her (again) and she didn't sleep. I was really looking forward to being out today. It was nice weather, she was happy, I was happy.

Then it wasn't.

I am envious of other moms who have babies that sleep in their strollers and let them have social lives. I don't know what those babies are like at other times. Maybe they're dull and boring and less cute. Maybe they're not as smart. Maybe they're just the same. I don't know for sure.

All I know is that I'm frustrated and exhausted and feel spent. I just want to start screaming "IT IS NOT BLOODY FAIR." And then I know it's nothing to do with 'fair' or not. It's what she needs when she needs it. That's my job.

I still miss my old life in a way. In fact, I wish I could have a modified version of our old life WITH her in it. But maybe she's too little for that? Maybe when she's like 3? Maybe never. I guess I just have to give in.

We stopped breastfeeding about 3-4 weeks ago. And yesterday and today I kind of wished that I didn't for a moment. When she looked crazy and exhausted and I desperately wanted her to relax. And I knew if I was still breastfeeding, she could do that more quickly.

But we're not. And the rest of the time I'm confident that is a good decision and I'm happy with it. She doesn't seem to mind, either.

In fact she's kind of overly excited when she sees the bottle. Like "I must have that immediately or I will suffer the worst kind of pains!"

Anyway, if someone needs a good book to read I can recommend "1491" by Mann, I finished it and I'm still thinking about it a lot. I took it out of the local library (love! the library) and have started to read "The Big Oyster" by Kurlansky -- a history of New York City.

If and when we leave New York, I will miss it as if I was leaving a friend. I've wanted to live in Manhattan since I could remember having an opinion about living anywhere. It was really great to live in the East Village. Even in a super-small studio. It was probably that nice because it was with Ismael. He's super.

I guess what I'm saying is, I wish my life was different. And I'm not accepting that.

Guess it's time for therapy!

WE HAVE A TOOTH!

I can't see it since she refuses to get her tongue out of the way when we stick our fingers in to move her lips away, but I can feel it's sharp edge there. I think only one of the two on the bottom have FINALLY made their way through the gums. Hooray!!!!

And I am surprised at how she's still really going for things to gnaw on. I thought that might stop when the teeth came in. Maybe after they're fully in and before the next ones are ready??

And she was a super good girl today. I took her to SoHo after a marathon 2 hour nap this morning and she was great. We visited the Scholastic office for about an hour and then walked around the East Village (yes, in the cold) while she napped. She could only sleep for about 30 minutes between the rocky sidewalk motion and probably the cold. So only about a 30-40 minute nap, but one nonetheless. And no screaming when she was tired. Phew!

She really does like visiting people. I'm trying to get her in front of people as much as possible without exposing her to too many sick people at the same time.

But I totally miss living downtown. *Sigh* And I can't WAIT for the Spring so we can spend more time in Central Park, at the museums, and any place she can run around and then nap outdoors, sometimes. I'm still going to be a stickler about naps at home since she clearly rests better at home.

Held the bottle on her own, chats with herself after naps

Today, Carolina held her morning bottle all by herself and fed herself the entire 2 oz. Now for a nearly-6-mo-old that's not a lot of milk but she's not that keen on the bottle and it's also when she gets a little bowl of rice cereal.

Next step is to get her to take a bottle during the night (like when she was younger) and then move on to re-introduce formula, plus other cereals and some strained apples or carrots or something. This way she will no longer be breastfeeding sometime in the next 5-6 months. I'm a little sad at that thought now that we finally have a system between us that works so well. And I do enjoy, as much as I am exhausted, the late-night feedings. Some days much less enjoyment than others, of course ;) But that's for me to figure out with Carolina over the next months...

We are really proud of her, of course, with this bottle feeding this morning. The way you can only be as a parent, and in the same way we're proud of her when she does a good poop or burp or laughs or talks or smiles. It's the little things, which are quite big things. It's the signs of progress towards her moving through baby towards being a little girl.

I'm also glad she hasn't gotten sick yet. I still take her into the city a few times a week, and she may or may not nap if we're out for longer than 2 hours. (Just ask Jee about the adventure, or lack thereof, we had in Central Park in the rain last week.) With all that subway and bus exposure, I keep telling myself it's just a matter of time before she gets something from someone who doesn't know how to sneeze or cough in public and just lets it out everywhere. I swear some people...

Also, the past few weeks, I've noticed she talks to herself when she's just woken up from a nap. Or at night, if she's too awake to fall asleep right away (I leave her in the room), she will be in there having some grand conversation. And then at some point she usually just falls asleep. Sometimes she isn't quite ready and starts to cry, at which point I go in to put the chupon in her mouth and then she's almost immediately asleep. I'm careful about when I go back in, if I go back in at all. I don't want to start any bad habits that I'm not prepared to maintain :)

I think it's great that she can entertain herself so nicely.

She's also on the verge of figuring out how to sit up on her own and crawl. She has all the mechanics down for crawling, she just has to get the strength and coordination. But she's well on her way.

Even though she's mastered a very irritating whine, she's also started to laugh more. So as teething gets bad, she also gets more interesting. I guess it's a good balance so I don't lose my mind and she gets the attention she needs from me.

I should go start dinner, Ismael will be home soon...

Big day in the city and then teething pain all afternoon

After her morning nap, which was gratefully almost two hours long, I put her in the carseat stroller and we headed to SoHo to visit my ex coworkers. It was an hour long subway ride as usual and she was happy to be out. I wished I could have taken the new Maclaran we bought since it's lighter and smaller but it's part of the recall so I can't use it until we get our kit to fix it.

Anyway she met everyone and was pleasant. Silent for the most part. Just watching everyone. As she does. Then when it was about two hours since she woke up she got fussy since it was nap time.

I whisked her away from the office and on to the bustling street. Put the chupon in her mouth, covered it with a blanket, put her Sleep Sheep on ocean sound and walked towards the West Village. She was surprisingly asleep inside of 10 minutes. Slept the whole way to Murray's (LOVE Murray's cheese shop) and throughout the walk to the N line at 8th St/Bwy. Woke up just as I got us to the train platform.

She was all smiles. And then about 15 minutes later I realized she was hungry. Not starving. So I hoped she could wait until we got home. she did. Then ate and then threw up. That was my first clue the teething monster was back.

There are plenty of rational and irrational arguments online about the toxicity or merit of Hylands Teething Tablets and Tylenol. I'm using them both on a day like today when she is in more pain than she can handle. I have no threshhold for babies suffering pain that can be avoided. Older children, ok, but not babies. That's just my way.

But she was still really uncomfortable. Took 40 minutes to relax for her last nap of the day and was agitated during bathtime and just before bed. Really really agitated. I think she is either going to spit up later tonight or give me another super poop like last night.

Big poops and throw up are her signals to me that she is in teething SuperDrive.

She is sleeping now and Ismael is in NJ looking at an apartment.

Oh, non sequitir... Duane Reade's DeLish cookies look awesome on the box but are basically oversized (and overpriced) Chips Ahoy cookies. $2.50 for 8 cookies. I'll just get Chips Ahoy next time. Really I should make my own. I like my own cookies. Speaking of which I think it's time for brownies made with Ghirardelli chocolate. Yea...

better sleeping? well, it's different again

She's still up every 2-3.5 hours but at least there are a few 3 hour stints in the mix again. I sense she's slowly creeping back towards getting to at least one 4-6 hour stretch in there again. I hope it's just not the day before we move or the day before we leave for mexico and then it's all trashed again.

Although, beggers can't be choosers and I guess if I'm being honest, I'd take one 4-6 hour stretch again even if it was the only one. It gives me hope :)

Yeah, I'm really really bad when I'm tired. As everyone who knows me is well aware. Other parents with babies that sleep similar amounts of time don't seem to be as bothered by it. Sorry, Carolina, your mom was an awesome sleeper before you were born and she just misses it. Man, I really was a 'marmota' [sloth] like Gaby said.

This morning, she drank 2oz from a bottle. After 3 days of protesting that she wouldn't take the bottle again, at all. My mom gave me the suggestion of making her first feed when she wakes up a bottle. And don't give her any boob until the next feeding. I did it for two days, and today she takes the bottle. She cried a LOT and didn't just take it the whole time. But she did. And I'm very proud of her, and impressed at how smart she is. Maybe I'm projecting, probably am, but it was like she worked out that I wasn't giving her what she wanted and cereal just wasn't cutting it in the morning. So she took the bottle.

I also, today, encouraged her to hold it herself. Well at least put her little hands on it. That seemed to help. It was an idea I got from her hand movements this morning and something Kimesha said to encourage her to get comfortable with a toy that made noise. Let her hold it instead of pushing it on her. Seems to make a difference. Thanks, Kimesha!

Also, I'm hell bent on getting her to take longer naps. I read some suggestions in a new book I just picked up called "The No Cry Sleep Solution". It's much more "labor intensive" than the crying option, but leaves me feeling less crappy as a mom. It's more in line with my style of being.

http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/

http://www.amazon.com/No-Cry-Sleep-Solution-Gentle-Through/dp/0071381392

The new "new agey" pediatrician suggested it. So far the new pediatrician has two points of "hooray" in her court vs. the other pediatricians. One is this book, and two is that she didn't worry that Carolina didn't put on a whole pound between last month and this month. I was tired of the doctor quibbling over 2-3oz, and that she is in the bottom 10%. So was I. What'd he expect, that she be a bruiser? Never going to happen. She's pretty much one pound and one inch every month. She's smaller than the other babies in the neighborhood that are around her age but she's tracking consistently. And she's healthy. So I'm very grateful (and a bit proud, strangely).

So just now, it took me 20 minutes of shushing, rubbing her back, and finally finding the pacifier. (where the hell was it? in the kitchen. argh! I steamed it and forgot to bring it with me!) The pacifier was the missing link since 10 minutes of hard sucking on her thumb didn't cut it. But she fell asleep again. Phew... Not sure for how long, but if I can break this habit of getting up after only 45 minutes -- I think my little one will sleep longer during the night.

That's the theory.

I also like the book because it's helping me set more realistic expectation and ask myself questions that I hadn't really thought to ask of myself, instead of questions I ask myself about Carolina.

Also, finding out from Julia that Isaiah still isn't a completely through the night sleeper and he's over a year old made me realize that every book I read about "what most babies at age X are like" just isn't going to apply to my kid. Ok. I just needed to know that and accept it. It was presented like if you're kid isn't doing this, you should get him/her towards it. Since it's normal.

I got your normal right here, bub. [shaking my jersey girl fist in the air]

I can't wait until she's 6 months and we can take her swimming at the YMCA. There's one here in Long Island City and one in Hoboken. So if we move to Jersey, we can take her there. I hear from Jee that baby swim classes result in long naps since the babies are tuckered out. Awesome!!!

If we move to Bay Ridge, there isn't a YMCA pool nearby. Just in Bed Stuy I think.

Anyway, this Saturday we're going to take Carolina on the subway to Chambers St in Manhattan to visit a friend and see a small pottery show. And then pick out a Maclaren stroller and go home. All on the subway. This will keep her out past her nap time but I'm desperately hoping she will nap in the stroller.

She was great when I took her to Rockefeller Center yesterday to the Gap to return some things. It was a two hour jaunt. One hour there (damn 7 train wasn't stopping at our stop again) on the bus and then N train. Then quick to see Ismael in the store, and head home. At least the 7 train was stopping at our stop on the way in to Queens. Made it a faster trip home. She then went like butter down for a nap. She only fussed a little on the streets around Rock Center. I think it was just the amount of people she was seeing or something since she was in the Baby Bjorn facing outward. Otherwise, she was quietly observing people on the train and in the store and seemed relaxed.

If I had known all of this before I got pregnant, I probably would have delayed it much longer. But I kept myself ignorant. I'm glad I did.

This is hard work. Mostly because it is challenging a lot of what I have thought about myself and my abilities. I've never been very good with patience or self-confidence. I'm learning. Oh yes...

We have a real laugh!

Yesterday, Carolina went with me to ismael's office. We took the train and at the last minute I decided that she was doing well enough to try to go in to manhattan to visit Ismael. So we transferred to the N train and went into the tunnel. She started to cry a little since she could no longer see the trees outside. :) so I gave her the chupon and she was relaxed enough to continue.

Once we got there she met all of his coworkers. And while Ismael was holding her and I was talking to his coworker, Andrew, Carolina let out her first laugh. It reminded me of Diana's first laughs. Diana's were little but very hearty and expressed a real joy and were full of life. Carolina's sounded a lot like my 'hah hah' laugh but was distinctly her own. She did it twice. We were floored and impressed. We can't wait for her to do it again soon!

Of course there isn't a photo or recording of it but we heard it :)

another car ride, another afternoon of crying

Since we took Miss Carolina in a car twice this week, we have more experience with what makes her cry (and consequently delay the trip) and what we can do to calm her down. You've read similar tales before (bus ride to Central Park and car ride to Babies R Us), so I'll just cut to the chase.

We went to Brooklyn to visit Kari and Jenn's new apartment. Really we went to have lunch and ice cream and walk around the neighborhood a little. But the lady didn't like getting in the car in the first place. She was great at the Post Office when we were on line for her US Passport application, but that was the hour before we picked up the ZipCar. Ah... good. Needless to say, there was no lunch out and no walking around. There was a nice time at the apartment and a quick, but painfully full of crying, visit to the ice cream place.

The following day we took Miss thing in the car to visit her grandparents so that mommy and daddy could visit their accountant. The ride was longer, the visit was longer, and there was more napping. We even tried a few different things in the car from the day before. It was less crying-ful and yet we still will avoid car journeys as much as possible.

Here's what we learned:

1. Feed her before you get in the car. Even if she's not interested. She'll be very interested as SOON as you start to drive forward. So, you'll spend the next 10-20 minutes with the feeding and then change the poopy diaper. Because, of course, she WILL POOP when you're in the car. She might not have for HOURS beforehand. But there will be poop while in the car.
2. If you can, get her to relax and fall asleep IN the car seat before you get the car seat in the car. This is a tough one. It's the best and will not require you to do most of the following things, but it's hardly ever something you can time with her. It's really just a matter of luck.
   
3. Bring 2 blankets. One to either wrap her or roll up to keep her sleepy head up and one, this is the more important one, to cover the car seat so she can't see all the wonderful life outside the window and less light. Keeping her focused on a smaller area, keeps her from freaking out about either not being able to see enough or, truthfully, from seeing too much and being overstimulated. She's a curious kid, so let's not overburden her by giving her too much to see when she's already unhappy about being in the car seat. I've since seen on Babies R Us website that there is some product you can zip up AROUND the entire car seat to keep it dark and, well, better than a blanket. I seriously don't need to keep track of more crap to bring in the car when we go out. The list is long enough right now thank you very much, and she's only 3 months old.
   
4. Bring 2 chupons (pacifiers). If she spits one out and it makes its way to the car floor, there is little chance of getting it clean in time to pop back in her mouth to keep her quiet.
5. Bring a little more milk than you think you need. I thought I did this, but you don't want to be, say, 1/4 ounce short and bear the wrath of still-a-little-bit-hungry baby. It kills me when it's been more than 4 hours and we have to throw away what she didn't drink, but it's better than screaming baby.
   
6. Sit on the side of her car seat that makes it easier for you to rock it left-to-right for at least 20 minutes.
   
7. "Car asleep" is not sleeping. Accept the fact that even when "asleep in the car" she will not really be asleep. So every pothole, bump, and construction hole that her father drives over will either surprise her (little hands go up in a kind of "I'm on a roller coaster and I don't like it" way), or wake her up completely.
8. Keep moving. Know that if you have the option to keep driving or stop, keep driving. If it means going further out of your way, do it. Especially if she's just ABOUT to relax for a long while. Keep the car moving. The worst is when she's JUST ABOUT done and you stop at a light. Yup, the whole thing starts all over again.
9. Nap interruptions have consequences. If you interrupt more than 2 nap periods, she will go to bed for the night much earlier than usual but it will be preceded with hours of on and off crying and not much smiling. So her usual happy self will be replaced with fussy baby. She did, however, fall asleep for the night at about 5pm and didn't wake up until about 10pm. She was about 10 minutes shy of a full 5 hour stretch of sleep. Of course that was followed by being awake every hour and a half afterwards, but I'll take the breaks when I can get 'em.
   
10. Bring a Ryan. If you have the chance to have a Ryan around, do so. A Ryan is a good distract-the-baby-from-crying friend who luckily was around while we were in Brooklyn to entertain Miss Carolina for at least 20 minutes with just moving his hands around. God bless the Ryan :)

All in all, I'm not sure if it's better to drive her to bring her on the subway. I think it depends on the day and how "up" I am for having strangers stare at me while she sounds like I'm torturing her.

She was exceptionally unhappy in the subway on the way to the Mexican Consulate on Monday, and midtown Manhattan was completely overwhelming with all the sounds. I'm glad the Baby Ergo has a snap cover, so that we could cover her head and she couldn't look around as much. If you think she has big eyes normally, you should have seen how big they got when she was trying to take in all of 42nd St at 5th Avenue. Thankfully they were disorganized enough that we had to go home right away, and she slept on the subway ride home. But it was interesting.

Stay tuned for more Travel Tales with Miss Carolina....

She's going for her 3 month checkup today and there will be immunization shots involved. Hooray!