again, thank you, new york!

I am yet again glad to live in a large city with good public transportation, filled with otherwise friendly people. Carolina being entertained, even for a few, brief moments, is so very much appreciated by me. Especially on days when she's otherwise about to be at the end of her rope and we're 3 stops from home, it's lovely to have a complete stranger start to make faces, clap, wave or just make noises at her. Distract her from her teething pain or boredom or impending-sleep agitation. THANK YOU!!!!

She's really working on figuring out how to stand up from a dead sit and walk. She's cruising everywhere and she's gotten taller. Every time I realize she's gotten taller she's either standing under the kitchen table or next to the couch and I can see that her hands and head are now reaching higher and about to hit something that before was MUCH taller than she was.

Along with this growth, I believe, is the recent smattering of long naps. I keep waking her up early from her morning nap to go to a music class or some other thing we have. She gets at least an hour but she clearly could use some more. So I've been protecting her afternoon nap as much as I can.

I even left her with a babysitter twice this week. Two different women came over to babysit her. It went really well. The first two days I left her and she cried while I walked out the door. I just had to leave and make it quick. By the 3rd day, I was actually wishing I had the money for a sitter again since it was SO NICE to get out of the apartment and not have to worry about her being hungry, tired or entertained. Even though I was waiting in doctor's offices for appointments, but whatever.

Now, don't get me wrong. I do really enjoy traveling around with my little Monkey. In fact, she was great when we went in the boiling heat (because I thought that was a good idea for some reason) in her baby carrier to the Union Square Greenmarket this past wednesday. We got some SUPER tasty apple and lemon juice from the Red Jacket Orchards stand. I'm really looking forward to going back tomorrow to get the BIG liter bottle this time. Carolina enjoys waving and clapping at the stall owners and I like checking out the produce. Tomorrow it's supposed to downpour, so maybe not...

We're waiting for Papa to come home on Saturday night from his most recent business trip. Thankfully, she hasn't noticed that he's not come home during her bathtime and isn't there in the morning when she first wakes up after I change her diaper, like he usually is. So, she hasn't been complaining and we have been having a very good time indeed.

One of the local moms moved away yesterday which was a bummer since I liked her a lot and her son and Carolina are the same age by about a week, have been 'friends' since they were about 5 months old. That'll teach me to be friendly with people in the neighborhood ;)

She's still loving the blueberries and has started to indulge in strawberries. I bought a bunch at the local farmer's market and then I noticed she was getting little pimples on her face, neck and then one on her ear. It went away after about an hour and the one on her ear which had gotten pretty darn red went away overnight after I put on hydrocortizone for babies. It might have gone away without the cream. Who knows. So we have to avoid strawberries for a few weeks and then re-introduce them to see if it was heat rash (since it's been damn hot and we only got her an A/C for her room the last of the 2 hot days) or food rash.

Carolina at the park

As I may have mentioned, we go to the park almost daily. She really enjoys "walking" up and down the stairs to the entrance of the slide. What's funny about it is how much she reminds me of my sister, who also was a big fan of walking up and down a few stairs, and how Carolina likes to take each step one giant leg up at a time. Like she can't be bothered to take two smaller, more her-size steps, she MUST do it one leap at a time and quickly. Just like learning how to crawl, she wasn't the first baby of her age group to do it but she was the fastest. Same here, she's about the last of the babies of May (in our group) to start walking on her own, but she's doing it much faster when she holds on than any of the others.

I think we're about to start another round of teething since yesterday and today she's started to gnaw on just about everything and shoves her fingers in the back of her mouth. I still can't see or feel any new teeth but I'm fairly certain there are molars growing under the surface. The lower, right side of her jaw feels a bit flatter than the other back parts of her jaw so perhaps there is a tooth taking its time under there.

She's also been grabbing at the back of her neck and around her ears, which she only does when she's teething. Should be fun since we're planning a car trip to Maryland to visit some of our family this weekend. Is normally a 4 hour, non-stop trip -- but after going with Miss Carolina to Vallarta from Celaya (a 9 hour trip in the car), I think this should be fine. Teething and all.

Let's see how she does sleeping through (or not) the night. I'm really curious since this will be her first trip after having slept through the entire night, consistently, for about a month. Of course there were a few nights when she awoke before 5am very hungry and I had to give her a bottle, and a handful where she yells out for a few minutes then falls back to sleep.

Last time we stayed at my parents place for a week she had only slept through the night for a week at home, so that she was waking up A LOT at their place might be just her old habit since we weren't at home. I'm hoping that we have better luck this time with her sleeping. Ojalá que sí tengamos buena suerte con sueños.

Either way, it'll just be 2 nights at my cousin's house and gratefully, the baby will have her own room. Sweet!! Daddy will probably not come but since grandma and grandpa are staying at a local motel, there are two bedrooms at one of my cousin's homes that are free for the baby and I to use. Woo hoo!!

Things recently

Recently we've made a habit of going to the park after nap #2, which generally ends about 3pm. So the moms and babies in our "group" have a standing meeting time at the park from 3-5pm, and Carolina has decided that she loves the slide. I haven't been brave enough to trust her balance ability to go down herself but she likes it when we slide down together.

And as long as she has some kind of shoes on, I let her "walk" wherever she wants. Much to the pain of my lower back. I just hold her hands and she walks quickly up and down the steps to the slide.

I've also gone out for a mommy-drink night, which was fun. Some of the moms I like best are about to move out of the neighborhood. Ah, well, what can you do...

I think Carolina is going to be walking by the time she's 13 months old.

Her birthday is in 2 weeks and I'm happily preparing her first birthday party. It's going to be a riff off the traditional korean first birthday celebration, with American and Mexican touches to make it our own -- featuring Dora the Explorer since Carolina claps and smiles when she's on TV. Cute!

I'm still immensely grateful she sleeps through the night now and only gets up before 6am on the rare occasion. I do my best to fill her with food all day long so she doesn't get up early from hunger.

We read her Tigger's Breakfast book when she's not very hungry and won't take more food but I know she's hungry enough to eat more if I distract her. And when all else fails, put frozen blueberries in it and clap and smile and say "Yeaaaaay, Carolina, Yeaaaaaay!" She smiles, claps and eats. Too funny.

Stroller nap training, week 2

Yeah... not so much. She screamed/cried on-off (mostly on) from about 2.15 until we got home at 3.30pm

It was nice to see people but when she's not feeling well, like today because her mouth hurts her, she's a total PITA. And you know what? I know it's not her fault. I understand completely that she wanted to be at home in her bed, where it's quiet and soft. I know Manhattan isn't that place. But, dammit, *I* wanted to go out. I realize that's immensely selfish and as "punishment" she cried, I was completely embarrassed and frustrated, and we came home early.

I feel like such an asshole even thinking this way, but it's how I feel about it.

I left the apartment today with Carolina, loaded up with her favorite snacks, a bottle of water, diapers, change of clothes, blanket, blanket to cover the stroller to help with the nap, 3 toys, sweater, jacket. I was set. It was too warm for all those clothes and she didn't want to eat much, her gums/teeth were bothering her (again) and she didn't sleep. I was really looking forward to being out today. It was nice weather, she was happy, I was happy.

Then it wasn't.

I am envious of other moms who have babies that sleep in their strollers and let them have social lives. I don't know what those babies are like at other times. Maybe they're dull and boring and less cute. Maybe they're not as smart. Maybe they're just the same. I don't know for sure.

All I know is that I'm frustrated and exhausted and feel spent. I just want to start screaming "IT IS NOT BLOODY FAIR." And then I know it's nothing to do with 'fair' or not. It's what she needs when she needs it. That's my job.

I still miss my old life in a way. In fact, I wish I could have a modified version of our old life WITH her in it. But maybe she's too little for that? Maybe when she's like 3? Maybe never. I guess I just have to give in.

We stopped breastfeeding about 3-4 weeks ago. And yesterday and today I kind of wished that I didn't for a moment. When she looked crazy and exhausted and I desperately wanted her to relax. And I knew if I was still breastfeeding, she could do that more quickly.

But we're not. And the rest of the time I'm confident that is a good decision and I'm happy with it. She doesn't seem to mind, either.

In fact she's kind of overly excited when she sees the bottle. Like "I must have that immediately or I will suffer the worst kind of pains!"

Anyway, if someone needs a good book to read I can recommend "1491" by Mann, I finished it and I'm still thinking about it a lot. I took it out of the local library (love! the library) and have started to read "The Big Oyster" by Kurlansky -- a history of New York City.

If and when we leave New York, I will miss it as if I was leaving a friend. I've wanted to live in Manhattan since I could remember having an opinion about living anywhere. It was really great to live in the East Village. Even in a super-small studio. It was probably that nice because it was with Ismael. He's super.

I guess what I'm saying is, I wish my life was different. And I'm not accepting that.

Guess it's time for therapy!

I am a good mom, dammit

The worst thing that ever happened to me as a mother was that I read too many baby advice books. The best thing I ever did was listen to my husband who told me to put them down. And for some reason it just occurred to me today that I'm doing a pretty good job.

Every one of those books did very little except make an over-achiever/student type person like me, who was anxious about being a mom and 'doing it right' all the time, feel like I was doing it all wrong. There was less than a handful of actually really great advice that I got that helped with Carolina specifically.

Carolina is a bad sleeper. I didn't train her that way, I just followed her insistance when she WOULD NOT sleep in a stroller, or baby carrier. She has 'the whine' and it's the most potent thing she's got in her arsenal to get me to pay attention to her and simultaneously lose my cool.

But, given the serious sleep deprivation I went through her first 10 months of life, I did a good job, dammit. I do say so myself.

In other news, she's really really getting close to standing up from a dead sitting position and walking. She's been cruising around the living room more and more, and getting up on her knees and almost up to a stand.

I know other babies in the neighborhood who are around Carolina's age by a few weeks either side and some of them can stand up but don't walk. So I know it's not necessarily that one follows the other. But you should see the look of envy and wonder on her face when she sees the toddlers in her Friday morning music class running around. She's in awe.

It's great to watch her and then when she comes home that day, she's figured out something new. It's like a petri dish of advancement that music class.

(And, of course, as I've just finished typing this up. Feeling positive and good about myself. She starts to cry and bump her head against her crib bumper, only 15 minutes into her nap. Yeah... talk about keeping it all in balance.)

10 months: travel, sleep, fun

While Ismael was away on business for almost 2 weeks, Carolina and I stayed with my parents. I thought it was going to be a good idea for her to spend more time with her grandparents, while I simultaneously got some intermittent babysitting so I could do my part-time PM work on the project Ismael was participating in.

The week+ was both a surprising lot of fun and total disaster. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration. I found out Carolina adores blueberries. Frozen, warm, partially frozen, on chicken, with carrots, with yogurt, whole, mushed up, whatever. At the end of our time on 'vacation' if it didn't have blueberries she almost didn't want to eat it. The only food she wanted more than something with blueberries, was something a grown up was eating.

Now, I thought this wasn't supposed to happen (table food envy) until she was older. So we had some screaming tantrums, very short lived but still, when she wanted something I had that she wasn't allowed. Like chocolate, coffee, or ice cream.

I've resisted giving her ice cream since she's not supposed to be on whole milk (vs. formula) until after she's a year old. To prevent allergies, I hear. But we were at Whole Foods and having a gelato, she was carrying on so much, and I figured -- well, a little can't hurt.

She had already eaten so much I was surprised she was hungry. She gobbled up every mini spoonful of malted-balls gelato I was willing to give her. Later that evening, she threw up. Twice. Not a lot, but enough. And on my shirt. She smelled like ice cream.

Then she had a terrible sleeping night and proceeded to poop about 8 times (seriously). So between the gelato and blueberries -- she had too much going on in her belly and it eventually all made its way out.

She also re-developed the habit of getting up for the day at 4 or 5am. Yeah. And neither my parents nor my mother-in-law have any stomach for Carolina crying out. So I had to go into the room to comfort her, which ended up being 'playing with'. So after working most of the day, and then playing with Carolina, and she not taking her normal 1-hour naps and not twice a day -- I was beyond exhausted by the end of the first 5 days. The last 3 days were the worst. She knew I'd run in there, so she took full advantage. AND AND AND she was super, super teething.

I'd like to know why when we spend time with my parents, she's always teething. They are both so quick to 'get the orajel' to relieve her pain, that we went through a whole tube in about 4-5 days. I was tired of arguing against it, so I went along with it. I think that was too much. I mean, sometimes, it's bad - yes - but sometimes nothing helps and she just has to get through it. Right? Maybe I'm wrong and cruel. I think not, but what do I know? (I've learned I know a lot but I have to keep that to myself.)

The night we came home, she slept her normal 12 hours, and only cried out twice for only a few seconds. Didn't get up until 6am, and the rest of the days she's back to a 7pm to 7am (maybe 6am) days. And she was a super-napper the first two days back. Poor thing was totally tired.

We've had a few great, fun days. Now today she's back to being irritable and chewing on everything. Frozen blueberries have helped.

I hear from other moms that after the first few teeth came in, their babies didn't complain and teeth would just come in. Yeah, not my Carolina. So I think she's working on either just tooth #7 or both #7 and #8. I can't tell. But I can tell you that the top teeth seem to be on a rampage and she's just got the bottom two in the front to represent that lower jaw. Ha!

I'm having a lot of difficulty with working part time, because it turned into a bit of crisis management that entire week+ and was full time, while being a full-time mom at home. So I'm going to call a local, recommended babysitter to see how that works out. It's proven to be impossible for me to work at home and Carolina be at home, too. No matter who or what is around, she wants to be with me. So either she leaves or I leave if work is to be done.

I'm debating whether I need the aggravation and we need the money or not.

It's not THAT much money, it's a ton of aggravation so far, but - honestly - it's also nice to do something 'grown up' for a while. I might be great at project management, but I don't really enjoy it.

So, the jury is out if I'm going to continue. I'm leaning towards 'no'.

I do think, however, that having a babysitter for Carolina is still a good idea. Get her used to someone other than me, Ismael, and my parents. I'm totally against putting her in daycare, if only because those kids get colds all the bloody time -- and jesus, it's expensive.

ok, end rant here. :)

In other news, she took a decent (30 min) stroller nap after only whining/crying for about 5-10 minutes in Central Park. While Jee and I walked down 5th Ave (from 81st to 14th St), Carolina slept until about 42nd St. I was impressed that she slept with all that traffic noise for that long. Stroller naps are going to be a minimum of a once-a-week event since I gotta get this kid used to being in the stroller (not just having me carry her in the carrier all the time, she's getting heavy), and also sleeping somewhere other than her bed. Otherwise, traveling becomes complicated and stressful, and I feel we'll be doing a lot more traveling in her future.

Finally, she's developed a real like of Dora the Explorer. She is usually only interested in the opening song and animation, and maybe another 1-5 minutes more -- but she truly smiles at Dora and jumps up and down on her knees in excitement. Spongebob Squarepants is still a favorite too, but I think Dora has moved up a notch.

I've also showed her a few minutes of The Backyardigans a few times. I think they might be for slightly older kids. Actually, I know all these shows are for children older than 10 months. I'm just amused she likes Dora and Spongebob so much.

Recently, she had a growth spurt. I think she gained almost an inch in a week because she was eating like a horse and I couldn't get the food in fast enough. There were about 4 days when she was eating at least a full, adult cereal bowl full of food. I mean like chicken, carrots, apples, blueberries, rice, beef, avocados, spinach, etc. Anything I could grab to feed her, it went in and was followed by crying if I didn't get more in there fast enough.

Occasionally, when she's tired but has to eat dinner and she otherwise refuses to let me put any food in her mouth, I'll put an episode of Dora on my iphone in the kitchen. That usually gets me about 3 minutes of her opening her mouth to accept food without realizing she's doing it. Ah, the diplomatic treaty negotiations have begun...

what it is, instead of what it's not

Walking around Sunnyside this Good Friday afternoon, Carolina and I heard singing down on Skillman. So I walked us down there and there was a huge group of people walking west on Skillman towards the local Catholic church, and cops blocked off Skillman just after 46th St. I guess it was a procession of some type for Good Friday. It reminded me of a similar procession that Ismael and I saw one Sunday afternoon in the East Village, from a local Polish Catholic church. Theirs was all in Polish, today's was in something I couldn't hear and then I think Latin.

Either way, I was glad to see it. It could have been for any religion or local group. I was just glad that the community did something together. I missed it last year since I was spending my days in Manhattan.

Sunnyside can be defined as a small neighborhood in Queens bipassed with a 6-lane highway known as Queens Blvd, and defined on the northside with the LIRR railyards and on the southside by the other, actual 6-lane highway, the BQE. With the lovely 7 subway line running above Queens Blvd. Doesn't sound like much to live in.

Walking around the Gardens area, you can almost forget you're surrounded by noise and air pollution on all sides. And the people who take care of their homes, make it nice for everyone. Carolina and I walked passed two men leaving their attached homes, one from Ireland the other from (I think) Pennsylvania. They were exchanging pleasantries and you could tell they've been neighbors for a while but don't really have much to do with each other. Pleasant as it was.

But they know each other by name. How many kids they each have and some other personal details.

I knew the neighbors I had in Manhattan because I made it my business to know. I could have easily gone invisible there. Knowing your neighbors, to me, makes it your home.

I guess with Carolina in toe, I'm warming up to the area while the weather is warming up outside.

I'd still prefer to be in 'the city', but for now this isn't half bad.

Carolina isn't a great sleeper in general. Her recent leap into all night sleeping will maybe turn into great napping. Maybe not. But that's what she's not doing. What she is, is a really sweet little girl who is gentle, smart, and funny. When her belly is full of gas (still!) or poop, or her new teeth are coming in and giving her mouth some agita, she's got the world's most irritating whine. So, if I'm going to look at it positively, she's accomplished a whine that has my full attention. So far, no one else can claim that trophy. (Thank god.)

When she's good, she's golden. When something's off, she's a pain. I love her both ways. I just prefer her when her world is in harmony.