Stroller nap training, week 2

Yeah... not so much. She screamed/cried on-off (mostly on) from about 2.15 until we got home at 3.30pm

It was nice to see people but when she's not feeling well, like today because her mouth hurts her, she's a total PITA. And you know what? I know it's not her fault. I understand completely that she wanted to be at home in her bed, where it's quiet and soft. I know Manhattan isn't that place. But, dammit, *I* wanted to go out. I realize that's immensely selfish and as "punishment" she cried, I was completely embarrassed and frustrated, and we came home early.

I feel like such an asshole even thinking this way, but it's how I feel about it.

I left the apartment today with Carolina, loaded up with her favorite snacks, a bottle of water, diapers, change of clothes, blanket, blanket to cover the stroller to help with the nap, 3 toys, sweater, jacket. I was set. It was too warm for all those clothes and she didn't want to eat much, her gums/teeth were bothering her (again) and she didn't sleep. I was really looking forward to being out today. It was nice weather, she was happy, I was happy.

Then it wasn't.

I am envious of other moms who have babies that sleep in their strollers and let them have social lives. I don't know what those babies are like at other times. Maybe they're dull and boring and less cute. Maybe they're not as smart. Maybe they're just the same. I don't know for sure.

All I know is that I'm frustrated and exhausted and feel spent. I just want to start screaming "IT IS NOT BLOODY FAIR." And then I know it's nothing to do with 'fair' or not. It's what she needs when she needs it. That's my job.

I still miss my old life in a way. In fact, I wish I could have a modified version of our old life WITH her in it. But maybe she's too little for that? Maybe when she's like 3? Maybe never. I guess I just have to give in.

We stopped breastfeeding about 3-4 weeks ago. And yesterday and today I kind of wished that I didn't for a moment. When she looked crazy and exhausted and I desperately wanted her to relax. And I knew if I was still breastfeeding, she could do that more quickly.

But we're not. And the rest of the time I'm confident that is a good decision and I'm happy with it. She doesn't seem to mind, either.

In fact she's kind of overly excited when she sees the bottle. Like "I must have that immediately or I will suffer the worst kind of pains!"

Anyway, if someone needs a good book to read I can recommend "1491" by Mann, I finished it and I'm still thinking about it a lot. I took it out of the local library (love! the library) and have started to read "The Big Oyster" by Kurlansky -- a history of New York City.

If and when we leave New York, I will miss it as if I was leaving a friend. I've wanted to live in Manhattan since I could remember having an opinion about living anywhere. It was really great to live in the East Village. Even in a super-small studio. It was probably that nice because it was with Ismael. He's super.

I guess what I'm saying is, I wish my life was different. And I'm not accepting that.

Guess it's time for therapy!