first day transition

Yesterday was my last day of work before my "maternity vacation" starts. I'm calling these 2 weeks between when I'm due and when I stop working my "maternity vacation" since I don't have anything in particular to do but am not a mom yet.

I feel really anxious about all of this. If I think about the fact, really face it, that I'm about to be someone's mom. Someone who is so small and will really, actually need me -- it's really overwhelming and yet beautiful in some way. I was awoken this morning at about 4am with this mildly intense pain in my lower abdomen. It was pretty constant so I don't think it was contractions, felt more like cramps. Reminded me in a way of the residual pains I had after the miscarriage last year.

Speaking of which, I need to buy some newborn diapers -- just to have more than one brand around in case the ones we have she doesn't fit into well. And I should get some pads for myself since apparently this is going to be an on-going thing for a few weeks while at home.

Spending time with myself at home makes me realize that my anxiety has more to do with my fear of what's coming than being bored. If I'd never had a miscarriage, I wonder how different this would all be. I feel like going through that blew away any naivety I had about pregnancy. And, wow, she's coming. This is really happening.

I hate roller coaster rides, and this feels just like waiting on line to get on a really big one. I just need to focus on my experiences diving and some how that makes it better.

Time to get distracted by something more constructive than what's in my head!

And we still wait

Even though the due date isn't until June 11th it feels like we are waiting forever to meet her. I went to my weekly appointment and I'm no more dilated than last week but she did drop more! So we are a little disappointed she's not in a hurry to come put but we can wait. It's nearly time!!

The discomfort of waiting

So for at least a week there have been various pains and discomfort that lead us to think she is really going to be born earlier than June 11th. Like last night... Cramps but not proper contractions. At least not the way I've heard it described. It's supposed to basically be a full abdominal and back pain that won't let up. Sounds more intense, or at least bigger, than having a miscarriage. I'm sure when labor finally starts I won't have any doubt what it is.

Working from home has proven to be more stressful than going in to work. It's since I still care. Probably too much. Today is Memorial Day so no work. And my last day is Thursday. So only 3 work days more then I'm done for 3 months. I'm really worried I'll be overwhelmed with the baby or lonely. I like to have a reason to do something.

Taking care of the baby will absolutely be a big enough reason to feel purpose but it's a whole world that I've only watched and "visited" but never owned. I'm having the hardest time of giving up control. And it'll be the best thing once I learn how. It's always been the main topic of therapy.

Today will be a nice day. Relax, watch him playing Grand Theft Auto, then have an "adventure adventure" afternoon in Jackson Heights.

Walking around makes her move around less and contraction-like pains more. Last night she was moving so strongly I cried. I needed to be calmed down a little. She didnt let up until I stood up and swayed back and forth. I was really tired but doing that was better than her trying to stand up while inside.

Ever since she got big enough to push into my ribs and push her little butt through my belly. Really stretching me out. So I should walk more, I guess, and i prefer to have a reason why I'm walking around. An errand or visit someone or something. Even if I do walk slowly these days.

My poor husband. He walks with me, carries everything, helps me up the stairs. He never complains and I'm grateful for all the support. I do feel like he must get bored. Like he's hanging out with an old lady. At least it'll be over soon enough and I get my body back and finally, finally get to meet this little butt dancer I have inside. What a relief that will be.

We have the bag for the hospital ready and I keep having the feeling it'll either end up not coming with us for one reason or another or it will be only partially useful. Whatever. We have it with what we've been told is important and go with that.

I still haven't got a stroller, sling, or pediatrician. I want her here to try out any transportation and I don't know any local dr I trust and the ones from the hospital's group aren't taking any new patients. Really unfortunate since it would be convenient and I trust Columbia Presbyterian. Well, it's New York Presbyterian now. Maybe I should see if Cornell has any pediatricians taking new patients.

yesterday was exciting for no good reason

So after my weekly internal checkup on Tuesday, there was some 'activity' in terms of more, little contractions and the fluids of the red color. This is all expected but a surprise to us since we're new at this. And the following morning there was more fluid and some mucus. So I call the doctor and unless it's accompanied by regular contractions, there's not much to get excited about. Just in case, I didn't do any "work from home" and went shopping. I realized I had been putting off getting a few things that, if we're going to the hospital, I've been told I MUST HAVE.

So off to return some baby gifts that were in the 3 month size. I can't tell you the number of 3 month old clothes we have. She will simply not be this size for long enough to wear all of it, so I returned some to get credit and buy whatever she needs once she's here and I know how big she actually is. Or save it for next year's purchases.

I then realized I needed at least one nursing bra, and never got those newborn undershirts with the side snaps that I am supposed to have since she'll still have her umbilical cord when she first gets home.

And while at the baby store, of course I saw other things that I thought I should get.

So 4 hours later, I called my husband to join him for lunch. I then went off to the drugstore to get some baby shampoo. I really wonder what I absolutely need, but at least I have the 'hospital bag' all set.

My lovely friend in FL sent me a bag of toiletries so i wouldn't have to buy everything. But it's at my parents home and i have no idea when I'm getting that and thinking that this baby could come any day now, I didn't want to wait. So I guess I'll have duplicates.

My lovely mother-in-law was so concerned that I might pop, she even offered to come up from Mexico to be with us until the baby comes. Which could be another 3-4 weeks. She's concerned that I'm at home alone. She doesn't believe I should carry things. If she had any idea how much stuff I've been bringing home from the office and going shopping, and just general commuting, I think she'd be surprised and tell me to stop doing it. But you know, I don't carry more than I can comfortably and my husband helps me a lot. She wanted to be there to help me get a cab and carry the hospital bag. She makes me laugh; I think it'll be okay. If I was her, I can't think of anything more boring than hanging around our apartment with me waiting for the baby to come. Especially since I'm still working, even though I'm at home.

So, it amounted to nothing. A day's worth of random contractions and fluids.

I think it was the fact that I am already 2cm dilated that made either of us think anything was going to happen.

I still wonder what it'll be like to have a Gemini in the house, especially with a cusp Aries and Leo.

And today, Tiny Dancer must not like the fact I've been sitting down so much since she's been moving around a lot more than she was the past 2 days when I was doing errands. She really does prefer that I'm mobile and active. Me too...

contractions and expansions

Last night was the first time I've experienced any pre-labor contractions. Or at least I think I did. It very nearly stopped me in my tracks, was about 10-15 seconds long and happened about 3-4 times over the course of 2 hours. So nothing to worry about. I've been 'leaky' too as of this past Tuesday, but again, not enough to be concerned about or know labor is really coming. This morning, while working from home and on a conference call, my lower back really hurt for about 20-30 seconds. I'm glad I'm going to my holistic spine guy today. 

My pimples are definitely coming back and my hair is definitely falling out like it used to. And this baby is DEFINITELY bigger. She stretches and 'dances' and ocassionally bangs around (her dad says she's like a basketball in there sometimes). And when she stretches, she now reaches farther apart in there as well as pushes further out. 

My next appointment is next Friday, so a week from today. I wish there was another ultrasound so I could see her again.

We've pretty much decided on a name for her. I think it'll suit her.

I get nearly 3-4 hours of sleep before I'm awoken to go to the bathroom or I'm hungry. She usually helps to wake me up by kicking me when we're hungry. My pattern has become go to bed between 9-11pm, get up around 3pm, then 4.30 or 5, then either sleep through until 7 or wake up every 40-50 minutes. 

I'm nervous about labor, which I'm sure will make it feel worse because of my apprehension about dealing with the pain. I used to be good at dealing with pain but it seems that either the hormones in my body or the extra blood going through to support this baby makes me feel more sensitive to pain. I'm mostly confident I can do this, but funnily enough, more relieved in the fact that I don't get a choice. It's going to happen, and when it does, I'll be in the moment dealing with it. I don't get to plan this.  And for a "planner", I find this a relief. 

My father looked at me this past weekend and said "I think she's going to be early." Well, since I'm just 34 weeks pregnant now, that makes me a bit nervous. I don't want her to come out until she's done 'cooking'. But he has a sense about these things. Then I start to wonder if by just saying that, I've started to have any control over what's going on, hence the mini contractions. Maybe not.

I'd really love to be able to sleep more. I know I'm not supposed to lie on my back, so i lie on my sides, which I've pretty much always slept on my side. But now I find that one side or both goes numb or sore. Mostly sore. It's exhausting being tired. I can't even imagine what it'll be like when she's finally here.