The discomfort of waiting

So for at least a week there have been various pains and discomfort that lead us to think she is really going to be born earlier than June 11th. Like last night... Cramps but not proper contractions. At least not the way I've heard it described. It's supposed to basically be a full abdominal and back pain that won't let up. Sounds more intense, or at least bigger, than having a miscarriage. I'm sure when labor finally starts I won't have any doubt what it is.

Working from home has proven to be more stressful than going in to work. It's since I still care. Probably too much. Today is Memorial Day so no work. And my last day is Thursday. So only 3 work days more then I'm done for 3 months. I'm really worried I'll be overwhelmed with the baby or lonely. I like to have a reason to do something.

Taking care of the baby will absolutely be a big enough reason to feel purpose but it's a whole world that I've only watched and "visited" but never owned. I'm having the hardest time of giving up control. And it'll be the best thing once I learn how. It's always been the main topic of therapy.

Today will be a nice day. Relax, watch him playing Grand Theft Auto, then have an "adventure adventure" afternoon in Jackson Heights.

Walking around makes her move around less and contraction-like pains more. Last night she was moving so strongly I cried. I needed to be calmed down a little. She didnt let up until I stood up and swayed back and forth. I was really tired but doing that was better than her trying to stand up while inside.

Ever since she got big enough to push into my ribs and push her little butt through my belly. Really stretching me out. So I should walk more, I guess, and i prefer to have a reason why I'm walking around. An errand or visit someone or something. Even if I do walk slowly these days.

My poor husband. He walks with me, carries everything, helps me up the stairs. He never complains and I'm grateful for all the support. I do feel like he must get bored. Like he's hanging out with an old lady. At least it'll be over soon enough and I get my body back and finally, finally get to meet this little butt dancer I have inside. What a relief that will be.

We have the bag for the hospital ready and I keep having the feeling it'll either end up not coming with us for one reason or another or it will be only partially useful. Whatever. We have it with what we've been told is important and go with that.

I still haven't got a stroller, sling, or pediatrician. I want her here to try out any transportation and I don't know any local dr I trust and the ones from the hospital's group aren't taking any new patients. Really unfortunate since it would be convenient and I trust Columbia Presbyterian. Well, it's New York Presbyterian now. Maybe I should see if Cornell has any pediatricians taking new patients.