Friday, May 29, 2009

first day transition

Yesterday was my last day of work before my "maternity vacation" starts. I'm calling these 2 weeks between when I'm due and when I stop working my "maternity vacation" since I don't have anything in particular to do but am not a mom yet.

I feel really anxious about all of this. If I think about the fact, really face it, that I'm about to be someone's mom. Someone who is so small and will really, actually need me -- it's really overwhelming and yet beautiful in some way. I was awoken this morning at about 4am with this mildly intense pain in my lower abdomen. It was pretty constant so I don't think it was contractions, felt more like cramps. Reminded me in a way of the residual pains I had after the miscarriage last year.

Speaking of which, I need to buy some newborn diapers -- just to have more than one brand around in case the ones we have she doesn't fit into well. And I should get some pads for myself since apparently this is going to be an on-going thing for a few weeks while at home.

Spending time with myself at home makes me realize that my anxiety has more to do with my fear of what's coming than being bored. If I'd never had a miscarriage, I wonder how different this would all be. I feel like going through that blew away any naivety I had about pregnancy. And, wow, she's coming. This is really happening.

I hate roller coaster rides, and this feels just like waiting on line to get on a really big one. I just need to focus on my experiences diving and some how that makes it better.

Time to get distracted by something more constructive than what's in my head!

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