Tuesday, March 17, 2009

A year ago today

I've been avoiding setting up a blog while I'm pregnant while at the same time wanting to do so. I wanted somewhere to post photos and keep my friends and family who live very far away up-to-date and also give me a reason to blog in both English and Spanish. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. It wasn't that I'm embarrassed or think that blogging about being pregnant is "already done" or "too showy". It is of course all of this and more. But it's personal for me and I've been avoiding it because I was afraid. Afraid to put on paper what I was feeling and experiencing since I couldn't bring myself to really think about what had happened the last time I wrote it all down in a notebook.

The last time I did, I had a miscarriage. It was devastating. In fact, so much so that I haven't written a word about my current pregnancy and I haven't allowed myself to keep track of how many weeks I am. Until yesterday. Yesterday I realized I was 28 weeks pregnant. I was floored at how far along I am. She's small, I'm not showing that much. And with a winter coat on, since it's still pretty cold in New York, it's hard (if not possible) to tell I'm this far along.

Yesterday I was thinking of buying airline tickets to visit my family in Maryland, and my mother was the one who mentioned that I should check if it'll be ok since I'm pretty far along. So I had to figure out how many weeks I'd be at Easter. I'll be about 31 weeks. Or rather, she (our "Tiny Dancer") will be 31 weeks. And I thought to myself, how is this even possible I'll already be 31 weeks along?! I even had to call my husband to tell him how surprised I was.

And just now, on the way up the stairs at work to get to the kitchen -- to make myself a cup of tea -- it hit me. Today is March 17th. Last year, on this day, I spent 6 hours in the doctor's office because the night before I lost the baby. Well, it was a fetus and it was only 9 weeks along. But it defined the way I've felt about being pregnant, and trying to get pregnant, for the next 12 months. Thinking about it, really thinking about it, brings me to real, honest tears even right now. Sitting at my desk at the office.

So in celebration of the Tiny Dancer to come, instead of the sadness and fear of loss, I write this blog.

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