Monday, February 4, 2013

The Negotiation

Parent: I offer you a relaxing bath and as much milk and food as you need just before bed. At bedtime a quiet and dark place to relax. Upon finishing the milk, you will lay down in your crib and sleep until morning.
Infant: I counter offer that you hold me until I fall asleep and put me in my crib carefully and slowly as to not wake me and I will wake up a minimum of two times during the night to drink more milk. If you skip this first step, I will cry ceaselessly for up to two hours and at that time begin hyperventilating, requiring you to come in and soothe me in the way and manner that I like.

Parent: I offer that I will hold you until you're asleep and you will sleep until morning.
Infant: I accept that offer and raise you a required minimum three-times-a-night waking and a morning wake up time at 5.30am or, possibly, after.

Parent: Is that the best you can do?
Infant: I can also throw in teething and acid reflux, so that during at least one of those night wakings I will cry endlessly until you hold me and I fall asleep and I will wake up every time you try to put me in my crib so that you are required to hold me while I sleep and you get a minimal amount of sleep.

Parent: Do I have to accept this offer?
Infant: Yes. No backsies.

Welcome to parenthood.

No comments:

Post a Comment