Is it reflux, just gas, just needy, or am I really a bad mom?

I pose this question less out of guilt or self pity and more out of genuine interest.

After I spoke with my favorite lactation consultant this morning, after a mildly hellish night and morning for me, I wonder if this tiny dancer has reflux. First and foremost *I* have a problem. I haven't been eating nearly enough nor drinking enough water, so I'm not making enough milk for a filling feed. I always have some milk but I never get "full" enough if you know what I mean.

My long-time "secret" is a mild eating disorder is likely exposed and the culprit. Well, it's really an eating problem relationship with food. Get stressed and/or depressed, lose interest in eating compounded by the almost always present concern about getting too fat, a history of too much stomach acid and ulcers, plus a recently (past 10 years) stressed immune system that results in a multitde of food "allergies", and you have yourself someone who doesn't eat well even though she loves talking about food, pictures of food, recipes, going out to eat. It is strange but true. And now, I think, my baby is directly suffering from this.

As of now, she doesn't eat as much as she should for her weight (8lb 11oz) and age (6 weeks). She "should" be sleeping for 3-4 hours a stretch (at least two hours) and should be nursing about 20 minutes when she does. Not this one. Gets up about hourly to "snack" for about 5-10 minutes TOPS. She doesn't spit up all the time but sometimes spits up silently and it look like she gave back whatever wasn't fitting in her belly.

She gets a ton of gas when breastfeeding, and the past two weeks or so has decided that most daytime naps (when she is willing to have them) need to be on my lap with my legs up so she's basically sleeping upright-ish. She doesn't scream a lot but the past two days has done it much more so. She has started to do this blood curdling/scared and almost completely inconsolable screaming cry. I can't tell what starts it and why she stops is just as much of a mystery. She is then so hysterical, and often simultaneously hungry, that either she won't latch on at all or will and takes in so much air at the same time that she's insanely gassy. She is also overtired and getting her to relax and sleep in her crib is sometimes impossible. And if you lay her down on her back, to change her diaper for example, with a half hour of feeding her she will either spit up, get hiccups, or both.

What makes me wonder if it's the need to be held or reflux is just that. Her need to be held up so often. I'm not eating or drinking enough since I'm holding her or bouncing her up and down most of the day. So I dont make enough milk... The cycle goes on. Fun, right?? :)


May the suggestions and advice from other mommies (and, well, anyone) begin!