What stresses mommy out...

So at about 11.30am all five of us leave to take the bus to Central Park. Figuring the bus may end up being less hassle than the subway. Put the kid in the car seat stroller and we are off.

She slept the whole way in and a good portion of walking through the Central Park entrance by the zoo/SE entrance. I keep checking her face to see if she is going to wake up and relieved when she is not.

We pick a place to sit and she awakes. Ok. Is she hungry? Yes. Only had 2oz and wanted to try breastfeeding in public with the cape again. So sit down, position the kid, put on the cape and get going. Easy, right? I effing hare that cape. I still need to see her and position her and me for it to work. Cape is all in the way I get embarrassed anyway. Inside my head there is a chorus of one, screaming and cursing. She barely eats, then has gas ('natch) and I don't know if she will need to eat again but I'm over it.

Keep trying to bd a good sport but I hate it. Unfortunately for me, I am way more embarrassed to whip out the boob and just feed her than to deal with the bloody cape. I should have also insisted on finding a bench and not the ground. Made it more complicated still.

Few things as awesomely chilled out as me, super stressed, anxious, embarrassed and feeling like I've failed in some small way. Getting over this anxiety was a failure of sorts in my head at the time.

So we go to get the bus home with the stroller and all the accoutrements. Raul y Paula stay in the city to shop and eat. So much s*** to bring on a bus for one baby. Good thing we had the bottle since she ate it on the ride home.

I'm desperately trying to get her to like/get used to the Peanut Shell or Ergo carrier we have. I much much prefer to be a "kangaroo mom" but she hates being constricted by slings and carriers. She wants to look around and be able to "stand up" when she has gas. Which, like today, has been 80% of her time since 6am.

She is actually lying on my legs since she passed out at 3pm after a quick feed from exhaustion. She was up almost constantly (few, brief naps) since 6am. Poor kid. Gas. Gotta keep her upright today which means I don't get to put her down much. And I still have no idea how to get her to be convinced to sleep. I read books. But this child is willful and more importantly full of gas. So can't be put down sometimes.


Having a child has made me face the fact that much of my decisions/decision process I'd fueled by my anxieties. I don't believe I'm the least bit unusual by this. It's just made More clear by raising this child.